You’ve been warned!
Anyway, look at that picture. Look at it! It’s goddamn Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel, killing Nazis. Isn’t that amazing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as amazing as that picture. It makes me love Chewbacca even more, because not only has he taken the time to tame a giant squirrel, he’s had the wherewithal to actually learn how to ride the damn thing, and go kill goddamn Nazis.
Oh boy, there are so many questions, right? Here’s a few:
- Did Chewbacca and his giant badass squirrel travel across time and space to Nazi Germany during World War II to join the Allies?
- Is the Nazi political ideology so far-reaching that it has somehow made its way to the realms of the Star Wars Universe?
- If so, is Chewbacca fighting these Nazis in his home planet of Kashyyyk, or is it Endor? Maybe it’s Durooon? How about Varonat? It’s clearly a forest/jungle planet, not a desert planet like Tatooine or Bakkah. Jakku? Not a chance.
- (By the way, yes, I looked up names of Star Wars planets for the last entry)
- If this battle is taking place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, does that mean that somehow or other the Nazi ideology made its way to Earth somehow?
- If so, is that part of an evil plan concocted by the Sith or by some other dark entity in the Star Wars Universe to spread their hate via political and military means? If that’s the case, then they’re really thinking long-term here. It’s a far cry from the old days when they would just straight up and destroy entire systems with freakin’ planet-sized superweapons, isn’t it?
- Is this a thing in the Star Wars Universe? Do only Wookies ride giant squirrels into battle, or does pretty much anyone?
- How the hell did these squirrels get to be so huge?
In the backstory that I have created for this image, the Allies somehow found a way to communicate through time and space and contact the Resistance, or the Rebel Alliance (depending on if they did it during the first, second, or third trilogy timeline), and straight up ask them to send some help. And of course, considering what we know now about Chewbacca’s laser crossbow, there would be no question that the Allies would want our favorite Wookie on their side. And I bet Chewbacca didn’t hesitate at all when he agreed, and I bet his giant squirrel was just itching to come over here and get to the Nazi ass-kicking. Imagine the straight-up terror when these poor Nazis came upon the sight of a giant furry humanoid riding a giant grey squirrel and blasting away. Imagine the last horrified thought running through their head just before Chewbacca’s laser ripped through it, sending them straight to hell.
So there you have it folks, Chewbacca is solely responsible for the Nazi’s downfall.
Phew. That went on way longer than it should have.
So here’s the deal. If you know anything about me, Imaginary Reader, then you know that I love Star Wars. Specifically, I love the Star Wars movies. Don’t ask me about the Expanded Universe or the comic books or the TV cartoon shows. But the movies? They’re my deal, yo. I’ve been a fan of them ever since I can remember, and for a long time I was a Prequel Trilogy apologist. Yes, that’s right. For a long time, I actually defended Episodes I, II and III (although I, not so much). Now, though, not so much. Those three movies should be the most important and awesome movies of the entire franchise. But they’re not. I mean, they are important, but they are not awesome, not by any stretch.
What a damn shame.
There are many faults and awfulness sprinkled throughout the entire Star Wars movie franchise, and I can understand how there are many people out there who hate them and how there are many people who love them, and everything in between. I know people who are both, actually.
One thing I do know in regards to the Star Wars movies though, and one thing that is one of the most amazing and incredible things in the whole damn thing, is Chewbacca’s mustache. Yes, seriously.
I mean, look at the damn thing:
Bask in all the glory that is Chewbacca’s mustache. I mean, it’s not enough that he’s already covered in hair, they decided that the thing that he was missing the most, the one thing that would complete the character, was adding more hair in the form of a fantastic mustache. Seriously, it’s majestic.
And like that picture of Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel, a whole bunch of questions come to mind when looking at that seriously amazing mustache.
- What about the beard, yo? As a male person who grows hair on his face and who chooses to have a beard, I know that if you’re going to go the mustache-only route, then you have to keep the rest of your facial hair in check. So does Chewie shave his beard? Because clearly the mustache beautifully stands out from the rest of his body, so I assume that his beard would too. I feel sorry for the guy, because that can’t be easy.
- I have a beard, and I hate hate hate when my mustache grows so long that it gets in my mouth. And yes, I know it’s my own damn fault for being lazy, Imaginary Reader, but still. So imagine the hell that Chewie must go through. Oh jeez, imagine when he goes to the bathroom. Imagine when the poor bastard has to wipe!
Chewbacca has always been a favorite of mine, mustache aside. In the first six Star Wars movies, I thought his performance was the most emotional and touching, and his growls and snorts and snickers spoke to me way more than Hayden Christensen, although he does have a point about sand:
Let us all truly appreciate the wonderfulness of everybody’s hirsute alien sidekick, Chewbacca, and in his wondrous and glorious mustache, which dares stand out in a literal sea of fur, is proudly porn-y without being dirty, and is without a doubt, the best damn mustache in this galaxy, and in a galaxy far, far away.
So, Imaginary Reader, if you’ve made it this far, then I shall leave you with this… a gallery of Chewbacca, a gallery of the best friend Han Solo ever did know (damn you, Kylo!), a mosaic of the most badass Wookie this side of Kashyyyk, and more importantly, of his absolutely perfect, spectacular, amazingly pointless mustache.
Toodles, or as Chewbacca would say: NNNTHGGGTRRWAAARRWNSNNTHWWWRRRAAAA